Hope
by evitascarlett
Summary: An Apologize Deleted Scene: After learning the news that his wife is alive, Jim spends the evening mulling things over. It was her…his heart knew without a doubt that it was Johanna and it throbbed painfully; crying out to be reunited with its mate. His brain however, needed a little more proof to be sure.


_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! This scene would've taken place between chapter 3 and chapter 4 of Apologize; it takes place during that first night of knowing that Johanna is alive. P.S. There's a small tidbit of information in here that will resurface in Redemption ;)_

 _For Cindy; because she wanted to see this one and I wanted to do it justice for her :)_

Hope – Deleted Scene

Jim threw back the covers and sat up on the edge of the bed and turned on the light before getting up and crossing the bedroom, dropping into the arm chair that sat off to the side of the room. He couldn't sleep…and really, how could he be expected to when his life had been upended once again. How could he possibly sleep for even a moment when the knowledge that his wife was by all accounts alive and well was running through his brain? He wasn't sure exactly where she was at that moment, he thought to himself as he glanced toward the window; but she was somewhere in the city...on the same earthly plane as him. It seemed impossible; and in some moments as he had moved through their home restlessly after returning home, he thought perhaps he was going crazy or that he had been trapped in some odd dream that would rip his heart out once he awoke. He'd had those kind of dreams before…but he knew he was awake; his inattention to what he was doing had caused him to bang his knee off of his desk. The pain had been real and more than enough proof that he wasn't dreaming.

The news was an answered prayer…and a nightmare all rolled into one. Anger and pain had warred within him, battling for dominance as he thought about all of the years he had spent alone, needing her, wanting her, willing to give anything just to be with her again even though he had known it to be impossible. She didn't have a choice…those words echoed through his mind all day and night. It wasn't that he doubted them, he didn't…he just wished there had been more choices, a different option that had spared them all the pain and torment. Why did this have to happen to them? What had she ever done to anyone to deserve this? What had he done to deserve it? This was the sort of thing that happened to people you didn't know…it shouldn't have happened to his family. They had been happy, they had plans and dreams…they had raised their daughter and seen her off to college and the world was supposed to be theirs for the taking again, not that Katie was being excluded from their world of course…but she had gone away to school and that had meant that for the first time in eighteen years it was just the two of them again. That first semester that Kate had been away had been the hardest for his wife; she had been at loose ends without someone to drop off at school and to keep tabs on, to berate for a messy bedroom and to share her weekend runs and shopping trips with. Of course, it hadn't been all that easy for him either, he had missed his little girl but he had put on the brave face and helped Johanna through it. Kate's return home for school breaks helped make the second semester easier and as their daughter transitioned into her second year at Stanford, his wife had settled some and they had been starting to enjoy their freedom a bit more.

And then in January of 99, it all got taken away. His throat tightened as he remembered that morning, the last time he had kissed her and watched her walk away as she entered her office. So many times he had wished that he hadn't left her out of his sight that day; that he had been with her and could've taken her place. Now he wished he would've paid more attention…he had to have missed some clue that would've told him the truth…that would have led him to her long before now, or maybe even prevented this from happening. Why? Why couldn't it have been someone else? It was a question he had been asking for thirteen years, but tonight it took on new depths and meanings. It was all so complicated; it all seemed so unreal in some respects, and there was a whisper of doubt that echoed through his mind every now and then despite his certainty that the woman in question that had been before him that day was indeed his wife.

Jim squeezed his eyes shut and pictured Johanna as she had set in Captain Gates' office that afternoon. There had been doubt and disbelief; he had gone into that room positive that someone was impersonating his wife and anger had been simmering in his veins over the very idea…but then he had seen her. Her dark hair, the curve of her face, the features that their daughter shared with her. He had looked into those beautiful green eyes that he had begged God to let him see just one more time; those eyes that had sucked him in from the very first moment that he had laid eyes on her so long ago. The eyes he had prayed their baby would be born with…and she had been; which in the end had only increased his misery. They were Johanna's eyes…no one could fake those, nor could they fake her face...regardless of what wonders plastic surgery could do. And if there was any doubt about her looks, which there wasn't, there had been her voice when she said his name. His heart clenched remembering the sound of her voice as it had filled the air between them. He had heard her say his name in a hundred different ways over the course of their life together; in her normal tone; in anger, frustration, sadness, illness, tearfulness, fear; amusement, fondness, the throes of passion…love and so many more. Her voice had been haunting his dreams for years and today he heard it…quiet and fearful; her eyes full of sadness and regret…and hopefulness.

It was her…his heart knew without a doubt that it was her and it throbbed painfully; crying out to be reunited with its mate. He tried to soothe that feeling, after all he had been pushing it down for so long that it should be second nature by now but tonight it refused to be quelled; as if it had finally found what it had been searching for and longed to go and be with her…its missing piece that would make his heart whole again. His heart had always known that her absence had been wrong…it had never felt right to him. Everyone had attributed that feeling to the suddenness of her loss, the grief, the unanswered questions, the senselessness of the act…but maybe that hadn't been it at all. Maybe it hadn't felt right because it hadn't been. Maybe it had always felt like she was missing instead of permanently gone because his soul somehow knew that she wasn't gone in the manner he thought…that its mate was out there somewhere.

Jim had listened to her story as anger had coursed through his body. Her voice and hands shook with emotion, telling him about the case and how the F.B.I. had approached her and told her that they had been tipped off that there was a hit out on her and when it was to be carried out. They didn't know exactly who had ordered it but they knew it was in connection to the case she was investigating, which she had felt certain involved a ring of dirty cops; that the person who was behind it had covered his tracks well enough and that the person who had tipped them hadn't given any indication who this person might be. The F.B.I believed that this person was a reliable and credible source and they had no reason not to believe that her life was in danger after checking into things that had been mentioned in the tip.

His stomach had twisted as she spoke of how terrified she was, of how they continuously warned her not to tell him or Katie…that it had to go down the way they planned so it would look authentic; that if her family knew the truth they'd be in danger as well. There had been so much pain in her eyes that it had tore him apart inside and he knew that it had been tearing her apart as well. She continued on with the story, telling about how everything had been arranged and how they had been in her office waiting for her when he dropped her off on January 9th; that they had made her change her clothes and take off her jewelry and hand over her purse. A female agent who had looked enough like her with a wig on had then been dressed in her clothes and jewelry and given her purse and sent to the alley where a supposed witness had wanted to meet her. While her murder was being staged to look like it had been carried through, they had her on a plane, whisking her off to a safe house in Virginia until they could settle her in a permanent place with a new identity. She had ended up in Wyoming, working as a teacher at a college.

The story sounded like something he'd see in a book or movie…but he didn't doubt its sincerity; and more than that, it felt oddly right. Her supposed death had felt entirely wrong, as if something had been missed…but this…this felt right and true and like the light at the end of the tunnel. She didn't have a choice as she had said…and he thanked God that someone somewhere had made the call to save her, to spare her life even if it meant he had to suffer. Johanna was alive…she had been there in front of him, within reach, the soft smell of her perfume hanging in the air. He had always dreamed of what might happen if he woke up one day and found it all to be some horrible mistake. He had always imagined that he'd pull his wife into his arms and hold her tightly, breathing in her scent and pressing kisses against her hair and face before claiming her lips. He'd tell her that he loved her, that it would all be alright...and yet she had been in front of him today and he had done none of those things.

Jim scrubbed a hand over his face as he remembered jerking away from her touch and the hurt that had filled her eyes. He'd been too angry to even consider touching her in any way…and then there had been fear. Fear that he'd touch her and she'd evaporate like a phantom from his dreams where she had resided for all of these years. He ached for her, longed to do all the things he had imagined and yet he couldn't. He couldn't do any of those things because his brain refused to give way to his heart. His heart knew the truth; his brain wanted more proof. His brain wanted to be sure, despite the evidence provided. Sometimes he hated his brain, he mused. It would be so much easier if he could just give way to his heart…he was sure Johanna probably wished that as well…but she'd have to understand, and he knew that somewhere inside she would…she always did.

But if his mind was as satisfied as his heart and it really was Johanna…then it would be like the sunlight finally breaking through the clouds. His world had been dark and gray ever since the day he had lost her and he had been wishing and praying for thirteen years that it was all just an awful mistake; that somehow, somewhere, she was alive and making her way back to him. It had all seemed so impossible…the impossible dreams of a man who had lost his world; and now…now it was a possibility. He had told people that he had made his peace with losing Johanna; but deep down inside he knew that he hadn't. He had merely learned how to properly handle his grief and his longing for her. There was no peace; there were just empty days of going through the motions, knowing that something vital and important was missing from his life. But now that missing piece could be found and put back in place…the place where she belonged and needed to be.

Jim's gaze darted around the room, which was of course one of the places she needed to be returned to; little had changed since she had been gone. He had kept things the way she had arranged them; never feeling inclined to mar the touch his wife had left upon their home. In the worst moments of his grief, and even early in those days of his reclaimed sobriety, his sister had suggested selling the house. Madelyn had said it would be for the best; that it would do him good, but he wouldn't hear of it. There was no way in hell he could part with their home. He couldn't rob Katie of that link to her childhood and happier times. He couldn't rob himself of the need to live in his memories of Johanna there in that house among her belongings. Selling was never an option…never even considered for the merest second.

His eyes flicked toward the bed and he could still vividly recall their first night in their new home; the tired smile that had been on Johanna's face when he entered the room and slipped into bed beside her, his hand falling against the swell of her stomach. He could remember the feel of their baby kicking against his palm and his wife's soft sweet laugh as she told him that the baby knew his touch. She had been so happy…and so was he. What had seemed like a cozy fit with their belongings in their apartment had left their spacious new home looking a bit empty but she had promised that she'd fill it little by little over time, once the nursery was taken care of and after the baby arrived. She had kept her promise, he mused; every room bore the mark of her touch and the house was made into a home not only from the things she bought but because of her and her natural ability to fill a room with her presence.

A heavy breath crossed his lips as his eyes moved away from the bed and landed upon the framed photo of Johanna that he had always kept on his nightstand. How many times had he gone to sleep while staring at that picture? It was the first thing he saw every morning when he woke…her youthful smiling face in a photo taken on a beach vacation before they had started dating. It was his favorite…and it was always easy for him to lose himself in his memories when he stared at it…and he couldn't recall the number of times he had cried for her as he gazed at that photo; cried for them and what had been taken from them.

It was all different now though…she was alive…living and breathing. After years of begging, it seemed like God was giving him his wish…giving him back his life and his world…his everything. He felt emotion choking him and he hated to give in to it but it overwhelmed him and a few tears broke free and rolled down his check, rebelling against him and his will. After five years in a bottle, he had forced himself to find some measure of that so called 'peace' because he knew that's what she'd want; that she'd want him to be a better father to Katie; that she wouldn't want him to destroy himself. He did the best he could…but he had never been at his best without Johanna.

His heart throbbed painfully; he was still madly and deeply in love with his wife. Time couldn't and wouldn't change that and it had never healed the wound or the ache that always resided in his soul. But now…now things might be different. If it really was Johanna, and he was certain that it was, then maybe his quiet misery would be over. He once again thought of dark clouds receding and the sunlight shining through. There was still a deep painful ache inside…but now he had hope. He had hope for all the things that had been taken away from him.

Jim was glad that he hadn't taken his sister's advice to sell the house. He wouldn't have wanted Johanna to have to come home to some strange place that she hadn't put her mark on. She had already been forced to live in a strange place; being denied the home she was familiar with probably would've been devastating and he would've felt horrible about it. She'd need the comfort of their home and the memories they had there; especially after being gone for so long. He'd have to rearrange the kitchen cupboards; he had moved some things up on higher shelves and Johanna wouldn't be able to reach them. He knew that she didn't necessarily enjoy having to stand on something to reach the top shelf; nor did she like having to wait for him to do it for her.

"Stop," Jim said to himself. He was getting ahead of himself. He couldn't just go and scoop her up and bring her home right away. No matter how relieved he might be, he was still angry with her and he was still hurt even if she did have no choice. There were 13 years between them now…she might be different…although he couldn't imagine her being too much different. They had things to talk about though and things to work through first. They'd have to take things slow; he'd have to be cautious. In some ways they'd have to start over.

"You're still getting ahead of yourself," his mind whispered. Jim curled his hand into a fist. He knew the woman he saw today was Johanna; his heart knew it too…but he'd have to satisfy that small niggling doubt in his mind, if not for his sake then for Katie's. He had a feeling that he was going to handle this better than his daughter would. He blew out a breath, he would go see his wife…he'd ask her questions that only someone who shared his life would know. That would satisfy his mind…and there was no better time like the present, because he wouldn't be able to rest until he knew for certain that his wife was alive and in the same city as him.

Jim picked up his phone from the stand by his chair and then he picked up the receipt that she had written her phone number on. He swallowed hard as he stared at the number; 555-9799…those were Johanna's 'uptight nines' as he had always called them to tease her. No one he knew wrote nines the way Johanna did, not even Katie. Johanna's handwriting was always neat and elegant…but her nines always looked so rigid compared to the rest of her numbers that he had always said they were uptight…and she'd laugh and swat him playfully, telling him if he didn't like her nines then he could just balance her checkbook himself.

He shook off the memory; he still had to check to be absolutely sure. He dialed the number and listened to the line ring with his heart in his throat.

"Hello?" her tearful voice answered, triggering a tremor of pain in his soul. He never could handle her tears.

"Johanna?" he asked; despite his recognition of her voice.

"Jim?" she replied and he could hear the undercurrent of surprise in her voice.

He took a steadying breath. "Where are you?"

"The Royale," she answered without hesitation. "Room 225."

"I want to talk to you," he stated. "I want to talk to you in person."

"Come over," she said quietly; "I'm up."

Jim glanced at his watch. "I'll be there in a half hour," he told her before disconnecting the call.

He blew out a weighted breath as he laid his phone aside once more; a feeling of anticipation was building in his stomach at the thought of seeing her and he forced himself to quell it. He had to be cautious, he had to move slowly…they had to take their time and figure things out. But even as he reminded himself of those things, he knew without a doubt that if they took a little time and worked things out, nothing on god's green earth would keep him from putting her in the car and bringing her home if that's what she wanted. It wouldn't be tonight or the next day…probably not next week…but he had hope that one day soon, she might be there at home with him again.


End file.
